A Sadness From Within
by demented-shoelace
Summary: Alanna is alone. Only one man remained, but it was he that destroyed her life beyond imagining. She reflects on her life, and makes a decision. But how will it end? Rated for mention of abuserape, but not graphic. Songfic to Evanescence's 'My Immortal'.


A/N: EDITED Woo! Well, finally I've gotten around to MAJORLY editing this gods-forsaken ficlet of mine. Practically a re-write… Hopefully this version is a lot better, seeing the original was written a couple of years ago. This is a songfic, to Evanesence's 'My Immortal'. Set a couple of years after WWRLAM. I've changed the original ending to make it more angsty. (the original ended really quite cheesily…hehe) Enjoy! And always R&R!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic, yada yada yada… 

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave _

_I wish that you would just leave _

_Because your presence still lingers here _

_And it won't leave me alone  
_

Alanna was sitting at the base of Balor's Needle, having shooed away her ladies-in-waiting. Emotions overwhelmed her. She just couldn't deal with it anymore. Jon. Jonathon. Her one-time love. Now, he was the image of all things she hated.

_These wounds won't seem to heal _

_This pain is just too real _

_There's just too much that time cannot erase  
_

The way he always forced her to make love to him. For Alanna, it was the same as rape. Every morning, she awoke feeling exploited, dirty and used. Once… he was her life. She had loved him with all her heart. But that was years ago. What had happened to George? He had truly been her love. Tears ran down her face. For the first time though, these tears were cold. Always they had been hot, passionate and full of rage. But today… her tears were like ice. Devoid of any humanity or feeling. They were empty. Like Alanna. 'Where was he now?' Ever since he was banished from the kingdom, Alanna had had no word of him. Him, and all his friends. Was he even alive? She was alone in this world. At this thought, a fresh stream of tears fell from her eyes. Her heart wrenching with a pain that no-one should ever have to feel.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears _

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears _

_And I've held your hand through all of these years _

_But you still have all of me_

'What will happen to me?' Alanna thought. Thrice before she had been pregnant, yet all ended in miscarriages. Jon's fury at each was something she could barely remember. He had beaten the memory out of her. Since then, Alanna had sworn that she would die before she giving birth to a child of him.

_You used to captivate me _

_By your resonating light _

_But now I'm bound by the life you left behind _

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams _

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
_

Alanna made up her mind. No longer could she stand to take any more of it. Of him. Of herself, and what she had become. Half a decade she had suffered, but no more. No friends, no love and no family had made her life a quiet kind of hell. More than ever she missed Thom in a way she could never had imagined. If she followed the path she intended, it would not be long before she could see him again. To hold him, as well as her beloved George, if he was there.

_These wounds won't seem to heal _

_This pain is just too real _

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

As she climbed the stairs to the top of Balor's Needle her weeping ceased. She was more aware of herself and the present. She knew what she was doing. She reached the top and looked over Corus. 'May a grief come over this city as there never was before' She cursed to herself. She stepped up to the edge and wiped her face. Up her arms went above her. Looking as if she were poised to fly. Fly away from all of this. She bent her knees ready to jump. She had nothing left to live for.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears _

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears 

_And I've held your hand through all of these years _

_But you still have all of me_

"Alanna! Stop! No!" A distant voice yelled with such passion, that it sounded as though the owner's heart was being pierced with broken glass… "Stop!" She had almost remembered…George? No. That was impossible. It could only be the final imaginings of a angst-stricken mind. Standing up slowly, she placed a foot on the first outer stair of Balor's Needle. Wiping her cheeks, a fiery look of determination appeared in her amethyst eyes. With her heart and mind devoid of all thought and emotion now, she began to make her way up the Needle. Again, however, a voice seemed to be heard, yelling for her to stop. But nothing could stop Alanna now. Reaching the top, she looked out across vast spread of Corus. This place had once brought her joy, and safety, but now, even as queen of it all, it inspired feelings of terror. She climbed over the safety bars, holding on with her right hand. Carefully balanced on the edge, she closed her eyes. Her long, copper hair blew in the wind. Just as she lifted her foot, that voice sounded in her mind. She stepped clear of the tower, but even as she fell, she twisted around to see the owner of that voice that she now knew was real. It had been him!

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone _

_And though you're still with me _

_I've been alone all along  
_

Please, please, please review! This story has had over 150 hits, but I've got a measley number of reviews! It would mean a lot to me, if you would even if it is one sentence. Who is 'him'? Well, I guess I intended it to be George, but I guess you could also take it to be Jonathon. Or Raoul, or of her other forgotten friends. It's whoever you feel it should be.


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